The Last Canadian by William C. Heine ~ 1974. This edition: Pocket Books, 1975, paperback. ISBN: 671-78753-8. 253 pages.
My rating: Oh, dear. Maybe a 2/10? But I did read it from beginning to end, so that argues for a certain mesmerizing appeal. After a certain amount of inner argument, here’s the final verdict: 5/10. Because something so strangely bad adds variety to one’s reading life, and Mr. Heine shows vast enthusiasm for his plaguey topic, even if he’s a bit unreliable on his science. And he’s occasionally very funny, though I’m not quite sure if that was by intention or merely happy accident.
Where to start?
Brian Busby and Grady Hendrix have both written gloriously gloves-off reviews on this well-forgotten* 1970s’ sci-fi-ish thriller, and they’ve pretty well said everything I’d like to say, so I’ll just give you my own (probably rambling) overview, then refer you over to them. Perhaps their reviews are best appreciated after reading the novel itself, but, on the other hand, you might find the book less of an awful shock if going into it forewarned.
Here’s the deal.
Ex-US air force pilot Eugene (Gene) Arnprior is now working as an engineer up in Canada. He likes it there in Montreal quite a lot, and has just received his naturalization papers, the day before everything goes to pieces.
Uncannily fast-thinking and forward-planning, Gene twigs immediately to the fact that something really, really bad is brewing when he hears radio reports of a cluster of mysterious deaths in rural Colorado. The ring of death expands from the centre, rippling outward like the waves created from an emerging underwater volcano, but well before it reaches Montreal, Gene is airborne in his company’s small plane, heading up to a remote northern Quebec fishing camp with his wife and two young sons. A lightning-fast shopping trip has provided the family with all of the supplies they’ll need for a prolonged retreat from the world – golly – I wish my shopping chores were as efficient as our Gene’s – he outfits a family of four with all wilderness survival needs in 40 minutes(!) – yesterday I took longer than this to pick up a few bags of groceries, but I digress – anyway, this guy is organized.
So – Gene and family are safely ensconced in the Quebec woods, in a remote fishing camp which is conveniently stocked with canned good, fuel, and lots and lots of guns and ammo. They pass their time in hunting the various wild critters, making flour substitute from cattail roots – “In a little while they had collected fifty pounds” – whoa – akin to the 40-minute shopping trip – if I didn’t already loathe Gene deeply – the wife-beater! (reference to an incident early on) – this would have done it – learning how to whittle, and, in the case of Gene and his lovely wife Jan, having lots and lots of enthusiastic sex. (Hopefully when the boys are out setting their bunny snares, I found myself thinking.)
Three years go by. La, la, la, la…but who is this coming across the lake? Oh, no – an Indian in a canoe! An alive person is bad, bad news – he has to be a plague carrier – yup – he is – and Gene keels over, as do Jan and the lads, felled by the virulent virus while the paddler is still well out on the lake. Some time later, Gene comes to, to find his little family stiff and cold, and himself now a “carrier”.
After burying his family, Gene fires up the airplane and heads back south, to investigate what’s going on in the rest of North America, now that he’s immune to the killer disease.
Various encounters with other survivors ensue, some ending badly for those underestimating Gene’s amazing foresight and lightning fast trigger finger. He picks up another female partner and proceeds to have lots and lots of enthusiastic sex, until an encounter with evil Russians results in her sudden demise.
Oh yes. There are evil Russians here and there, advance troops spying out the countryside for eventual full-scale invasion, because an America without people is a fantastic land-and-natural-resource jackpot for the greedy Soviets. Interestingly, the Russians seem to be ignoring the also-population-decimated Canada in their explorations, which I thought rather odd, seeing as it is also chock full of natural resources, closer to The Homeland, and much less likely to contain plague survivors. (If there is a certain percentage of natural immunity, wouldn’t that mean that Canada would only have ten percent of the number of roaming survivors as the USA has, based on pre-plague population numbers?)
But the Russians aren’t immune to the disease, as we find out when Gene stumbles onto a Soviet expedition, and, after failing to kill our hero with a barrage of gunfire and missiles(!), every man jack of the Russky battalion suddenly dies.
So Gene starts putting two and two together, and decides that the plague must have come from Russia, part of an evil takeover plot. And by golly, he’s right!
Lots of intrigue, lots of gunfire, the occasional nuclear warhead being detonated (goodbye Denver, Colorado!), the last-few-chapters introduction of a whole new array of characters – British and Russian scientists playing who’s-got-the-killer-virus games – and lots and lots of people dying. Good people, bad people, random in-between people. But Gene keeps plugging along, now single-mindedly focused on carrying out a single-man invasion of Russia, to infect the population there as revenge for all that’s gone before.
How will it all end?!
Any guesses?
Spoilers coming. Look away now if you’re honestly planning on reading this thing without knowing the final plot twist.
Okay, here it is.
The British have suddenly developed a successful vaccine (never mind the pesky details of how – which bugs me, because I was really curious) and the evil Russian government has suddenly been taken over by a more-cooperative bunch of politicos and the two countries – England and Russia – plus the surviving Americans (the President is in England, and there have been warships cruising the seas for the past three years carrying key US military and political personnel) plus China(!) all decide, in what must be the world’s fastest-ever international cooperative effort, to vaporize Gene, who has managed to evade all efforts to intercept him and has flown one final small plane across the Bering Strait and has now set foot on Russian soil.
Goodbye, Anadyr basin, and everything and everybody living there. Twenty-two missiles should do it. Nice try, Gene.
But hey, it was an exciting time to be alive. (Direct quote, last page, four paragraphs from the end. Here, see for yourself.)
Wrapping things up, no need to get into boring detail!
If you’ve made it to here, you MUST go further.
Check out what these other readers thought:
Brian Busby tells it like it is at The Dusty Bookcase
Grady Hendrix is clever and cutting.
So who the heck was William C. Heine?
Here we go:
Everybody needs a hobby.
*Well-forgotten except by a cult following within the “survivalist” community, where it is apparently viewed as a classic bit of prognostic fiction and a useful how-to manual. Paperback copies of The Last Canadian (alternatively titled The Last American, and Death Wind) are listed on ABE starting at $20 and heading into the thousands. (Did this ever come out in hardcover? Methinks not.)
Not one I’ll rush out and buy, then!
🙂 I think you could safely give this one a miss.
The title of this post had me rushing to read it, but the post itself does not inspire me to pick up the book, much. I admit it’s made me a little curious, and if I ever come across a copy of it, I might be tempted. But not curious enough to pay $20!
I’d recommend not paying more than $1 or so. Or you could just save that loonie and put it towards, well, almost anything else. 😉
Sometimes the worst books make the most entertaining reviews!
You know, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it the worst Canadian book I’ve ever read – I’m sure there are others out there more deserving of that awful designation – but it is a “stupid” sort of book. (In my opinion. Others disagree – take a look at the Goodreads page!) The plot is utterly divorced from reality – even in the “what if” world of fictional move-the-story-along devices, Heine goes way too far. Especially loved the bit where the hero, shedding his plaguey germs in apparently copious amounts, flies over the bow of a navy destroyer in his small plane, and within moments the ENTIRE ship’s crew, from bridge to down in the bilges, dies. INSTANTLY. But in other cases, people survive for just long enough to send out crucial messages before expiring. “It…was…..Gene…….Arnprior………”
Well. Of course I remember hearing about this book a million years ago. Because my stepmother, Helen, told me about it. Because it was written by her boss at the London Free Press.
No, I never read it, and thank goodness I didn’t borrow her copy.
Thanks, I think, for reading it for us and reporting. Or not.
(You know, we’re allowed to NOT finish books that threaten to waste serious reading time. You could have spent the time rereading your favourite Wodehouse, for example.)
Um…. The Last Amercian?? In translation, I take it.
Small world! Thanks for sharing that connection.
In the book’s defence, it was a fast read. And I got to add it to my Canadian Reading Challenge list. And it led me to several very funny reviews by others who shared my “What the ???” reaction.
I did go on to read some very different things as a sort of antidote. Gabrielle Roy and Margaret Craven – at the far other end of the spectrum!
Great review. Glad you finished it so you could entertain us all.
It was tremendously bad right from page 1, and quickly crossed over into “reading breathlessly on to see what bizarre thing the author comes up with next” mode. It was too strange not to share! Especially when learning that the book still has a devoted cult following, and that some of its readers view it as a useful sort of survival guide to a possible similar real-life scenario. (!!!)
Bad, stupid and strange – stranger still when one considers it was penned by the editor-in-chief of a fairly large newspaper (Canadian scale). And to think he didn’t use a nom de plume!
As you know, I first read The Last Canadian as a pre-teen, but remembered next to nothing. Now, five years after rereading it, I feel I haven’t forgotten a thing. The only explanation I can offer was that as a pre-teen most of my reading focussed on superhero comics. There is a similarity, I think. Someone should bring this back into print. Someone else should adapt it as a graphic novel. Both are moneymaking ideas.
It’s always interesting to read other’s thoughts. Thank you.
(The first British edition was published by Robert Hale in hardcover! I’ve seen a pristine signed copy going for $150 at London’s Attic Books. Tempting.)
Re-reading our teenage-era books is an exercise fraught with all sorts of surprises, isn’t it? In my teen years, I myself read a vast amount of science fiction (among other things, including a respectable number of the Great Russians) and even though I remember being critical of the more bizarre elements of the sci-fi genre, I had a very high tolerance for shaky plots as long as the story and characters were reasonably engaging. Re-reading Robert Heinlein is a case in point. The Last Canadian reminded me strongly of Heinlein’s Farnham’s Freehold, which, though it has its occasional diverting moments, struck me as being deeply awful and ludicrously plotted when I recently re-read it. Shows the same sort of disconnect from plausibility.
The Last Canadian would make a grand graphic novel. The target demographic is a little unsettling, though. 😉
So there was a hardcover edition. I wondered. I’d definitely pick one up if it appeared in my travels – though I think my top price would be in the $20 range versus $150+ – it has a definite curio value.
I did a bit of prowling around on ABE, and I too am mulling over acquiring a copy of Heine’s other novel – The Sea Lord/The Swordsman. It too looks wonderfully out-to-lunch. (You go first!)
Heine’s more “serious” books sound more appealing on a “normal” level – the Shunpiker‘s books – about travel off of the main thoroughfares – might reward investigation. Also a memoir regarding his experiences as a newspaper editor. Might follow up on some of those.
Bahahahaha, oh Lord, this was such a wonderful post. Where on earth did you hear about this book? It sounds completely bonkers!
Random find at used bookstore. How could I resist, with a title like that? The loopiness was completely serendipitous. Especially surprising because I’d read the back cover author bio, and expected something a little more sedate, seeing that the author was the very respectable editor-in-chief of a major Canadian newspaper. Not expected!
An entertaining review. Reminded me of other forgettable (but not-quite-forgotten) novels of long ago — Exxoneraton by Richard Rohmer, The Moon Pool by John Ballem, Murder on the Mackenzie by Jim Lotz. Maybe a suitable reading challenge — the worst Canadian novel? Or is that too unkind?
Having read both – twice! – I’m confident that The Last Canadian is worse than Exxoneration. That said, Richard Rohmer has produced a worse body of work Heine, if only because it is so much larger. (I write this as I struggle through The Arctic Imperative, the twenty-third volume tackled in the Reading Richard Rohmer challenge).
So, Rohmer is worse than Heine, but what of John Ballem and Jim Lotz? I haven’t read either author. Could they be worse still? Is such a thing possible? I’m always up for a challenge
[…] candidate for Canada’s stupidest novel, that is. (see The Last Canadian for the […]
[…] was rather too tenuous) and leading me to ever-more-obscure Canadian B-list books (such as The Last Canadian, a recent superb example of why this thing is truly a “reading challenge”) and even some much […]
[…] Canadian non-classic? William C. Heine’s apocalyptic sci-fi thriller The Last Canadian was so over-the-top stupid that it was a whole lot of fun to rip into, and it led me to the […]
[…] And to answer it I must refer you back to this little episode from 2015: Untroubled by Plausibility, or, The Stupidest Canadian Novel Ever: The Last Canadian by William C. …. […]
Dateline: Mar. 31, 2020
COVID19
How “implausible” is this story now???
Just as implausible, but no longer recommended to those looking for a good laugh.
Still desperately implausible! You’ve read it, right, Ric Benkendorf? It’s a B-grade novel through and through, notable only for its laudable badness. Even if it references a virulent virus. There are only so many plots to go around…sometimes they bump into real life, but that doesn’t make them “true”!
Don’t you feel like such a twit now ? You have missed the mark on your assessment of this present ‘The Last Canadian’ portrays. Safe and cozy out here in the mountains of BC, I feel quite safe having read this book decades ago. He just missed including a moronic president of the USA.
Naw, I stand by my assessment. This is a ridiculous novel. Even with the parallels to the virus situation right now, it’s just plain silly in so many ways. My opinion, worth exactly nothing in the great scheme of things, of course. 😉
Also, a good time to catch up reading ‘ The True Believer’ by Eric Hoffer just a heads up to what else is on the move. Look South and consider the actions, words, attitude and class political polarity of the USA and some states which house the nsa, cia, fbi, google, and verizon data banks. Remember Snowdens disclosures for Petes sake.
Ah, Eric Hoffer. Interesting mention of ‘The True Believer’, but a far different thing than Heine’s highly fictional muddle. Anyone taking ‘The Last Canadian’ as a how-to manual for pretty well any real-world situation is in for a nasty shock when TS actually HTF.
Safe (or as safe as one can be in a dangerous world full of unexpectedness) and reasonably cozy here in my river valley in BC, and feeling pretty good in general depending on the essential decency of most of humankind. COVID-19 is freaking terrifying but it’s also bringing a lot of goodness out into view. There are always a few jerks around, but those are a perennial irritant, not something to fixate on.
Yeah, there is some serious dark stuff going on in the world right now, but when isn’t there? And yeah, the situation to the south is dire in so many ways. (Well, in Canada, too. We’re not immune to political corruption and bitter ideological divides and such, not by a very long shot.) But I’m thinking this casual little “for fun” book blog isn’t the venue for too-deep conversations, so I’ll bow out of this one.
History sometimes reveals truths and just hints at futures. Check out Trumps New Tower under construction at the CDC. https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/69/wr/pdfs/mm6913e2-H.pdf
Canada does have its issues, being born here was one. Adapting partial visions of the USA, Britain and France we have a nice opportunity to spread the genomes that may allow us to survive yet.
I did read the book when much younger, so may have missed the mundane parts and style at the time. Maybe dig out my copy and have another look.
Cheers