The Family Nobody Wanted by Helen Doss ~ 1954. This edition: Little, Brown & Company, 23rd printing. Hardcover. 267 pages.
My rating: 6/10
Well, this was an interesting read, and I’m still trying to decide what my personal reactions really are.
On the surface it is a simple feel-good memoir about a young childless couple adopting twelve children in the 1940s and 1950s, but there are deeper currents to the tale, especially from a half-century later perspective. In particular, there is a damning sub-text of racial intolerance which is very much a part of why and how this family came together.
I didn’t yearn for a career, or maids, or a fur coat, or a trip to Europe. All in the world I wanted was a happy, normal little family. Perhaps, if God could arrange it, Carl and I could have a boy first, and after that, a little girl.
God didn’t arrange it.
In fact, as our doctor regretfully informed us, Carl and I couldn’t have any children of our own. No children, no sticky fingerprints on the woodwork, no childish tears and laughter, no small beds in the other bedroom. Just barren, empty years, stretching aimlessly into a lonely future…
So Helen’s husband Carl, driven to distraction by his wife’s continual bemoaning of her barren future, suggests that they adopt a baby. Helen loves the idea, and the two optimistically prepare a room and trot off to the nearest orphanage, where they learn that it isn’t quite as simple as all that. Most of the babies in the orphanage were simply not available, being only in temporary care, or waiting for relations to take them in, and the adoption agencies which are the next resort are not particularly helpful either. Helen and Carl are informed that waiting lists are years long, and that each baby must match its potential parents perfectly in ethnic makeup and family background. And of course the parents must be financially stable, as well as sterling characters in all other aspects.
Carl and Helen are sure their characters are good, but the money thing is definitely an issue, and the waiting list situation seems cruelly stressful. So they set aside their ideas of forming a family and instead decide to pursue other interests. Both enroll in college, Helen to study literature and writing, and Carl to pursue a long-held dream to become a Methodist minister. And then, miraculously, one more attempt at adoption through an agency results in a beautiful blue-eyed baby boy. Helen is ecstatic; Carl more reserved. They can barely feed themselves, so this new addition is a challenge in more ways than one.
Young Donny thrives and grows, and all is well for a while, until Helen starts to brood over the loneliness of the only child. “If only he could have a little sister…” But another child is an impossibility, declares everyone they contact. “Just be happy you managed to get the one.” Unless, of course, they would consider a mixed race child. Lots of those were languishing in adoptive limbo, and, three years after Donny’s adoption, Filipino-Chinese-English-French Laura joins the family. And, only two months later, frail and sickly Susan, undesirable because of her weak constitution and a tumorous red birthmark on her face.
Helen is still thrilled, though she finds three children something of a challenge, but all three thrive, and Helen starts thinking again. Maybe just one more, a brother for Donny…
Eventually, with increasingly strident resistance from Carl, Helen collects a round dozen of children, six boys and six girls. She writes about the family’s experiences, and the tragedy of mixed race children being seen as undesirable by families otherwise desperate to adopt a baby; even though the Filipino, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Malayan, Burmese, Spanish, French and American Indian children she and Carl eventually acquire are accepted by family and neighbours, a constant refrain is “As least they aren’t Negro!” Carl and Helen do attempt to adopt a part-black child from a German orphanage, child of black American GI father and a German mother, but the transaction is strangled by red tape; their families and friends are loudly vocal in their relief, and one of the most passionate chapters in the book strongly condemns this attitude, and addresses the degrees of racism inherent in American society, and its effect on innocent children along with its part in much greater societal ills.
Helen and Carl come across as truly sincere in their attitudes that colour means nothing, and that human is human; Helen starts writing articles about their “United Nations” family, and the Dosses catch popular attention, being interviewed, photographed and featured on radio and television, as a kind of shining example of American acceptance and tolerance, though in reality the very existence of their family group has come about through blatant American racial discrimination. These are, after all, the children that nobody wanted.
The book ends only twelve years after that first baby, Donny, is adopted, and the tone is happily optimistic, but there are undertones that perhaps all may not be so well in future. Carl is a reluctant participant in the continual enlargement of the Doss family, though he is very willing to tout its benefits for interviewers; Helen persists in collecting children in the face of Carl’s outright “No more” plea, time and time again. The news that the Doss marriage ends in divorce in 1966, twelve years after the publishing of this bestselling book, comes as no surprise, though it is sad; one hopes that the children – some at that time well into adulthood, one must admit – weathered their family breakup with a minimum of trauma, though one doubts that would completely be the case.
Knowing several cross-culturally adopted children who now, as adults, are seeking diligently to reconnect with their birth parents’ heritage, I wonder what happened to those twelve children as they grew up, and what they each personally made of their inclusion in this unique family, and of the publicity which their parents’ outspoken willingness to discuss their adoptive choices attracted.
I do think, both from the tone of Helen Doss’s memoir, and from other reports on the Doss family I read on the internet, that their intentions were, once they started adopting, only the best. And, also, I do tend to think that children deserve a loving family versus being institutionalized, and that if the only fit possible is cross-cultural, so be it. If it were more widely accepted (as it wasn’t in the 1940s and 1950s) then at least the “novelty factor” would not be such an issue.
I’ve tagged this post with a “religion” designation, because it is also very apparent that Helen and Carl Doss were motivated in a great part by their Christian faith. Carl Doss is quoted as saying that
…The whole idea of Christianity is radical (a)nd the whole idea of democracy is radical. Think how really it is to say that all men are created equal, and that all men are brothers – and that the individual is important!
Conflicted as Carl seems to be by his wife’s acquisition of child after child, once they are brought into the family he apparently embraces his fatherhood fully, being as full of latent paternal affection as he is of “radical” Christian ideals.
A thought-provoking memoir, and, as I said, a bit uncomfortable to consider more deeply, given that a whole lot must have been left out. Though I was interested and pleased to see that Helen Doss was very frank about her own motivations of needing children to “complete” her idea of true womanly fulfillment; the ideal of a happy, multi-racial family group seemed to develop as her circumstances changed.
I did my usual look-around the web, and was interested to see how highly this book was rated on Goodreads; a large number of people apparently read and loved it in their school years; the reviews are by and large quite glowing.
It is very readable, and provides a truly fascinating (though superficial) glimpse into the mid-20th Century’s social dilemmas and attitudes towards both adoption and racial and interracial societal division lines. It is also frequently very funny; Helen Doss’s anecdotes of her children’s doing are downright adorable, and well targeted at the sentimental readers who have obviously embraced it as a “sweet tale”. It is a sweet tale; it is also an indictment of the bitter evils of racial discrimination; and a strong advocate of true Christian behaviour; and a revealing portrait of a marriage not without deep personal conflicts, despite its publically positive façade.
For more on the Doss family, these links will be good starting points.
Leaves & Pages 
Fantastic review and so well written.
Thank you, Amanda. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I can’t believe I’ve never heard of the Doss family before! This does sound really interesting. Does she write about the children’s experiences in school? I wonder if they found less acceptance or more intolerance outside the family circle.
She does write a bit about the children’s school experiences, and how they dealt with racial slurs, which *did* happen. While there was intolerance, she also talks about how they taught the children how to deal with such situations; it was definitely an issue the Dosses were very passionate and articulate about; they were not at all naïve about how the children would be viewed outside the family circle, and they actively prepared the children for that reality, while seeking to change it, hence their willingness to open up their lives to public view with the book and radio/TV interviews etc. I also rather get the idea that the publicity was a bit overwhelming, and that the family was trying to pull back out of the spotlight to protect the children’s privacy, which is perhaps why there were no further memoirs about their experience, though Helen did keep writing children’s books & such. This particular book was obviously hugely popular – my own copy is a 23rd printing. I would assume the Dosses would welcome the royalty money!
I’d never heard of this family or the book – perhaps the story didn’t cross the Atlantic to the UK (I’m guessing they were Canadian or American?) but this was a fascinating review, and I found your views most thoughtful and interesting. Any kind of adoption poses all kinds of questions, and cross-culture adoptions even more.
I believe that the family lived in California. I don’t think I had heard of them before either. I am going to give this book to my mother and ask her if she remembers anything about it; she was also living in California at the time the book was published, and this seems like the kind of story she would have been interested in.
Adoption is such a complex undertaking, with so many difference experiences! It is quite amazing to see how much things have changed regarding cross-cultural adoptions since the Doss family’s time. In certain aspects there is a stronger emphasis on keeping children within their racial/ethnic group – ie, with Canadian First Nations/American Indian children; yet at the same time cross cultural and overseas adoptions have become completely mainstream. Every child’s story, every family’s experience, is unique, isn’t it? Difficult subject to address; so many variables!
I read (and loved) this book when I was a kid, and I still pick it up when I want to read something heartwarming and lovely. But yeah, I’d be interested to hear from some of the kids what their upbringing was like, especially after the parents divorced (not surprised because Helen as you say was not at ALL respectful of her husband’s wish to quit adopting babies). I bet it wasn’t all quite as rosy as the book paints it.
I suspect there was more to it than that. Their divorce was final in early 1996 and Carl almost immediately remarried. That wife had six children of her own! I hate to say it, but I suspect adultery may have been involved.
Remember that wives in the 40s and 50s had few options beyond housewife; Helen’s writing career made her an anomaly. I dealt with infertility and being stuck at home, childless and unhappy, would have been utter misery.
Top that off with being tge pastor’s wife, where your clothing, makeup, jewelry, conduct, friends and hobbies are unfairly judged on a constant basis by a congregation that expects you to fill a thankless role you aren’t even paid for? I’m sure Helen did want a houseful of kids to play with and enjoy!
I read this book when I was about 10 and loved the whole concept of a family nobody wanted not really being true. It became a firm favourite and was to be reread numerous times thorough out my teenage years into early adulthood. Sadly my copy perished, pages fell out and I think it eventually got thrown away. I now have a teenage daughter and have always told her about this book being my favourite & how I longed to share it with her but couldn’t (despite many searchings) find a copy & discovered it had gone out of print. Like Helen I too always wanted a family. I was blessed with my daughter but sadly unable to add to our family. When she was around 11, she searched for a copy for me as a Christmas gift & sent off for it from America (we live in the UK). Excitedly she told me about my surprise present but didn’t say what. How disappointed she was when the book didn’t arrive. That was 3 years ago. Last year she took up the search again and this time was successful. It was the best Christmas gift ever. I devoured it in one sitting & the ‘story’ of Carl & Helen Doss searching for fulfilment was as heartwarming as ever – poignant, sad and funny. This time however I fully understood the ‘hidden’ struggles they faced especially over racial issues. Having just reread it again, I decided to search for the Life article, hoping I could learn more about this wonderful family. I was saddened to read of their divorce but this has not tainted my enjoyment of this wonderful story, the love Carl & Helen shared for each other & the total acceptance by their children of each other’s difference. What a truly uplifting way to raise your family to be tolerant of the multicultural society they lived in even then – and more so now. It is still very current and we can learn a lot from how they handled each difficult situation.
In my searchings, I stumbled across your page & loved the review you have written. I also found a post from a childhood friend of Alex and it was interesting to read an account from someone who had first hand experience of this family & friendship. I hope this story continues to be shared and I know that I will certainly enjoy rereading it again and again and hope one day to be able to share it with my grandchildren.
This book and the story of this family seems to have touched so many – it is indeed memorable in so many ways. So glad you enjoyed my post! Thank you so much for your comment, and for sharing some of your personal response to the Doss family narrative. 🙂
When I was a young girl of about 12 ,I read The Family Nobody Wanted as a class assignment. I was so fascinate the story, I reread it many times. I’m now in my 70’s and recently found a copy on line. I purchased it and have read it again.. it still has great appeal.
Carl Doss ended up marrying one of his adopted daughters…oops, wait – that was Woody Allen. Never mind.
It’s not clear from your review exactly what disturbs you about “The Family Nobody Wanted.” Did you not like it that Helen Doss recorded the racial and ethnic prejudices of the times? I don’t think that constitutes any “subtext.” She wrote about the views she encountered. Or do you mean that she should herself have not adopted most of these children? Were you alive iin the 1940s, 1950s, or 1960s? I was. These discriminations were real and horrific. We must not forget them.
Let me see if I can articulate my discomfort.
It’s been some years since I read the book, but I do remember that what struck me at the time was how often the author referred to her husband’s reluctance to go ahead with each subsequent adoption, though apparently once each child arrived they were welcomed wholeheartedly. It hinted to me of issues between the parents – nothing to do with the children as individuals – but of a situation in which one partner (Helen) possibly put strong psychological pressure on the other. I believe this is the subtext I was referencing – my own feeling that this was a marriage with some deep complexity and unhappiness, long before the first child was brought into the fold.
And then of course the publicity angle feels distasteful, the “display” of the children. Though it might be argued that the parents’ actions in publicizing the multi-racial heritage of their children could have knocked down some of the reluctance of other adoptive parents to consider giving homes to children who often where passed over because of their origins. So “greater good”? Hmm. Perhaps. But children put on display? For whatever “good” reason, that feels morally problematic.
The strongest parts of the memoir to me were the damning depictions of racial and ethnic prejudices in the society of the time, and yes, it is one of the strengths of this story that these attitudes are discussed so thoroughly.
My takeaway is that the Doss parents were motivated by “good” intentions, and that the children were adopted for positive reasons and given love and stability. At the end of the day that would have to outweigh my small quibbles.
It would however be very interesting to have a child’s-eye view of the family, and what it would have been like to be one of the adoptees. I wonder if any of the children wrote their own memoirs in adulthood?